Chapter 10 - Secrets We'll Take To The Grave

The silence forced Jon to take a look at himself, from the inside.  He quickly looks back at their losing of McKenna and he remembers when he got the call that she lost the twins.   He recalls the time that she was raped and assaulted by Dalton.  All of the times that he's just run through his mind, he was absent.  Whether it was physically or emotionally,  maybe he wasn't there for his wife, in her most trying of times.   The tears that roll down his cheeks when he looks at his wife hurt him, but not nearly as much as looking at her broken soul.  He can finally see that she's shattered on the inside and he can see that just maybe he could have prevented some of it.   He slides over to his wife, taking her face into his hands.  He kisses her nose, "Baby,  I'm so sorry if I let you down.  I'm so sorry if I wasn't there for you.  I'm so sorry if I pushed you too far, too fast."

Beth's eyes still burn from her tears and the ones that follow hurt just the same.  She grabs Jons hands, "You didn't let me down, Jon."

Dr. Fishman interrupts them,  "Being let down isn't the issue here, the issue is where you go from here."

"What do you mean?  Go from here?"

Dr Fishman leans back in his chair, "Well, it looks to me like there is alot unsaid and feelings that have been buried.   Beth, how do you feel about what Jon just said?"

"Honestly, I didn't feel much.  It's all things he's said before."

"Is there anything you'd like to say?  Maybe ask him?"

Beth looks at Jon and mumbles, "Was I so far gone that you needed to start divorce proceedings?"

"Yeah,  when you would disappear like you did, Beth what was I supposed to do?"

With snarky tone she snapped, "Oh, I don't know, try to figure out why and help me through what I was going through."

"I tried." He lowly barks back.  "I did the best I could."

Beth lowers her head to muster the courage to say, "I lost children and it seems that at times, your only concern was the next album, the tour schedule or whatever project you were working on."

"I still needed to make a living, fulfill contracts Beth."

"And never grieve yourself?"  Dr. Fishman asks of Jon.  "Have you fully processed all of this yourself, dealt with the loss, work through the pain?"

"I think so." He responds.

Beth looked to him, "You have not.  You dove into work and turned the blind eye."

"No I didn't."

Beth sighs, "You rearranged a few dates, but when you were home, you were in the studio, meeting with management and so on.  I was left alone to deal with it all on my own and get on with life."

Dr. Fishman interjected, "Is that true Jon?" 

Jon can't answer that on the fly, he needs to think about it.  "I did what I needed to do to try to deal with my loss in my way.  Work is always therapeutic for me.  You've know that from day one babe."

"You acted like work is all you had!"  Beth blurts at him, feeling a surge of emotion she hasn't felt in a very long time.  She stops herself when Melissa pops into her memory.  That ping of pain hurt her to the center of her being, "until Melissa."  She adds.

Jon can't help but be taken back by that.  He can't help but feel the guilt that engulfs him like a cocoon.  He sees the look on his wife's face and then it hits him.  All of this time he thought she's dealt with his infidelity,  with his one night indiscretion,  but it's painfully obvious that she hasn't.  He can see that she's punishing him for it, she's continuing to make him pay.  He's just not sure if she knows that's what she's doing.  "Beth, that was ages ago."  He simply replies, knowing that they just crossed a line they needed to cross a long  time ago.

"Maybe for you, but it feels just like yesterday for me."  She thinks she can finally talk about it, even though the lump in her throat and the butterflies in her stomach might try to stop her. 

Dr. Fishman sits back and let's the two of them discuss whatever it is that falls out of their mouths.   He's been their therapist long enough to know that it's time they deal with their demons and put the past behind them. 

"I thought we were passed that?"  Jon quietly asks his wife, his best friend.  "Are you still struggling with that babe?"

Beth nods her head, talking his hand in hers,  "Daily, I think."

"What do you mean?"

"Honeslty Jon,  I haven't thought about her in forever."

"But you treat me like it happened yesterday."  Beth sees his confusion and she can hear his sincerity.  Both tap at her fractured heart, "I think you punish me still for what I did way back when."

Beth leans back on the couch, not letting his hand go.  She draws in a deep breath and thinks about what he's just said to her, in front of a witness.  Her mind flashes back to being snippy with him about even the littlest of things.  She's treated him poorly and maybe she's just been shown why!?!  "I forgave you for that."  Beth stresses that.  "Jon, I put that in the past!"

"Do you?  I think you blame me for Kenna's death."

"I do not!"

"I think deep down you're mad at me for cheating on you, and had I not cheated on you, we'd still have McKenna.  So, since we don't have McKenna because of my indiscretion,  you blame me."