Chapter 10 - Secrets We'll Take To The Grave

The silence forced Jon to take a look at himself, from the inside.  He quickly looks back at their losing of McKenna and he remembers when he got the call that she lost the twins.   He recalls the time that she was raped and assaulted by Dalton.  All of the times that he's just run through his mind, he was absent.  Whether it was physically or emotionally,  maybe he wasn't there for his wife, in her most trying of times.   The tears that roll down his cheeks when he looks at his wife hurt him, but not nearly as much as looking at her broken soul.  He can finally see that she's shattered on the inside and he can see that just maybe he could have prevented some of it.   He slides over to his wife, taking her face into his hands.  He kisses her nose, "Baby,  I'm so sorry if I let you down.  I'm so sorry if I wasn't there for you.  I'm so sorry if I pushed you too far, too fast."

Beth's eyes still burn from her tears and the ones that follow hurt just the same.  She grabs Jons hands, "You didn't let me down, Jon."

Dr. Fishman interrupts them,  "Being let down isn't the issue here, the issue is where you go from here."

"What do you mean?  Go from here?"

Dr Fishman leans back in his chair, "Well, it looks to me like there is alot unsaid and feelings that have been buried.   Beth, how do you feel about what Jon just said?"

"Honestly, I didn't feel much.  It's all things he's said before."

"Is there anything you'd like to say?  Maybe ask him?"

Beth looks at Jon and mumbles, "Was I so far gone that you needed to start divorce proceedings?"

"Yeah,  when you would disappear like you did, Beth what was I supposed to do?"

With snarky tone she snapped, "Oh, I don't know, try to figure out why and help me through what I was going through."

"I tried." He lowly barks back.  "I did the best I could."

Beth lowers her head to muster the courage to say, "I lost children and it seems that at times, your only concern was the next album, the tour schedule or whatever project you were working on."

"I still needed to make a living, fulfill contracts Beth."

"And never grieve yourself?"  Dr. Fishman asks of Jon.  "Have you fully processed all of this yourself, dealt with the loss, work through the pain?"

"I think so." He responds.

Beth looked to him, "You have not.  You dove into work and turned the blind eye."

"No I didn't."

Beth sighs, "You rearranged a few dates, but when you were home, you were in the studio, meeting with management and so on.  I was left alone to deal with it all on my own and get on with life."

Dr. Fishman interjected, "Is that true Jon?" 

Jon can't answer that on the fly, he needs to think about it.  "I did what I needed to do to try to deal with my loss in my way.  Work is always therapeutic for me.  You've know that from day one babe."

"You acted like work is all you had!"  Beth blurts at him, feeling a surge of emotion she hasn't felt in a very long time.  She stops herself when Melissa pops into her memory.  That ping of pain hurt her to the center of her being, "until Melissa."  She adds.

Jon can't help but be taken back by that.  He can't help but feel the guilt that engulfs him like a cocoon.  He sees the look on his wife's face and then it hits him.  All of this time he thought she's dealt with his infidelity,  with his one night indiscretion,  but it's painfully obvious that she hasn't.  He can see that she's punishing him for it, she's continuing to make him pay.  He's just not sure if she knows that's what she's doing.  "Beth, that was ages ago."  He simply replies, knowing that they just crossed a line they needed to cross a long  time ago.

"Maybe for you, but it feels just like yesterday for me."  She thinks she can finally talk about it, even though the lump in her throat and the butterflies in her stomach might try to stop her. 

Dr. Fishman sits back and let's the two of them discuss whatever it is that falls out of their mouths.   He's been their therapist long enough to know that it's time they deal with their demons and put the past behind them. 

"I thought we were passed that?"  Jon quietly asks his wife, his best friend.  "Are you still struggling with that babe?"

Beth nods her head, talking his hand in hers,  "Daily, I think."

"What do you mean?"

"Honeslty Jon,  I haven't thought about her in forever."

"But you treat me like it happened yesterday."  Beth sees his confusion and she can hear his sincerity.  Both tap at her fractured heart, "I think you punish me still for what I did way back when."

Beth leans back on the couch, not letting his hand go.  She draws in a deep breath and thinks about what he's just said to her, in front of a witness.  Her mind flashes back to being snippy with him about even the littlest of things.  She's treated him poorly and maybe she's just been shown why!?!  "I forgave you for that."  Beth stresses that.  "Jon, I put that in the past!"

"Do you?  I think you blame me for Kenna's death."

"I do not!"

"I think deep down you're mad at me for cheating on you, and had I not cheated on you, we'd still have McKenna.  So, since we don't have McKenna because of my indiscretion,  you blame me."

Chapter 9 - Do We Got It, Again?

The ride into the city was silent.   Stuck in traffic with each other, Jon and Beth didn't feel the need to break the tension with small talk.  They are in a place, literally and in their marriage that small talk is just noise.  Beth can feel her husband looking at her.  She wonders what he's thinking but will wait for later to find out what his thoughts might have been.  She knows he's not happy and she can honestly say that she feels the same way. 

The skyscraper looked taller than it was, as Beth looked up at it.  She can't help but feel her size, due to its size.  She felt small, she felt insignificant as they entered the building on West 142nd st.  A place they have visited from time to time over the years, but as she made her way into the revolving door, she couldn't help but also feel that maybe they haven't visited enough.  Her pant suit felt stifling and she noticed her hand was sweating, as it clasped Jon's tightly.  She didn't like the way that it felt, but she couldn't let go.  Over the top of her Prada sunglasses she said to her husband, "I love you."

He looked to her and gave her hand a tug, pulling her into him, he chuckled, "I love you."  He leans over and kisses her forehead, "Babe, we're gonna be okay."

Beth rests her head on his shoulder and whispers, "I know.  I just feel like we're going to death row."

"It'll be over before you know it."  He reassures her, feeling the intense pressure that he's put on himself.  

The elevator to the 21st floor took what felt like an eternity, stopping along the way to take on and left off other passengers.  When the door opened on the 21st, the couple took their leave and walked down the long hallway to the office that they needed to go to.  After they checked in and waited for their turn, the receptionist told them, "Dr. Fishman will see you now."  And she escorts them to his office. 

After Jon and Beth get settled, one at each end of the couch, Dr Fishman makes his entrance.  He hugs Beth hello and shakes Jon's hand.  "Its been a while."  He jokes with his patients,  "I was thinking about you two the other day when I seen you in the news Jon.  How are things?"  He takes his seat in his psych chair, leather bound binder on his lap.  

"That's why were here doc."  Jon states as a matter of fact.  "We've come to a point where we think we may benefit from some outside help."  Beth sits there, her legs crossed at the ankles, her hands folded neatly in her lap.  She nods in agreement.

"What's been going on?" He asks them, jotting notes on his tablet.   "Has something happened?"

Jon and Beth look to one another.  Without looking away from his wife, Jon answers honestly, "She's over doing it and I don't like it."

Immediately Beth adds, "He's suffocating me and making me feel incompetent as a mother and a wife."

The doctor asks, "What's precipitated these actions?  Beth are you overdoing it and Jon are you suffocating her?"

Beth quickly fires, "He doesn't let me do anything, so how can I possibly be overdoing it?"  Her eyes go back to Jon.

"I don't suffocate her.  She's free to come and goes as she pleases."

"Always?"

"Yes, but what has her pissed off is that I make her take the nanny or she has to have additional security."

"Why is that?"  The good doctor asks.  "Why does she have to have a guard or a nanny with her?"

Jon leans back and kicks his foot up to rest on his knee.  The foot starts to shake, a sign that Beth has learned that means he's stressed.  "I don't want anything to happen to her, or my kids."

"Does she put them in dangerous situations?"

"No."

"Does she neglect the kids?"

"No."

Beth is watching the volley of conversation and is a little bored with them.  She just wants to get to the nitty gritty.

Dr. Fishman pauses, "okay, why the additional staff then?"

Jon fidgets a little, "Because I think she needs help, she can on some days have 6 kids pulling her in a million directions."

Beth jumps in here, "Four of them are pretty self sufficient and the 3 older ones are hardly ever home."

"The twins are ALOT to handle Beth."  She can hear Jon's words and they hurt just as much as his actions have, as of late.

"They're my children,  they are not too much to handle."  

Jon's posture changes just enough for Dr Fishman to notice.  "Jon, I seen your body language change as she said that, why?"

"She can handle them at home, but away from the house, I want her to have help if she needs it."

Beth can't bite her tongue any longer, "A while back, the kids and I flew out to see him for a show.  Just me and the kids.  We're not there but a few hours and he chartered a plane to have the nanny come to where we were, because he thinks I'm not capable."

Dr Fishman is surprised by that.  "Why did you do that Jon?  Does it have anything to do with the demons from your past?  The people or the things that have happened to you two, the tragedy and loss?"

"It has everything to do with that!" He snaps.  "Look,"  he takes a deep breath and takes her hand, "she's a beautiful woman that has a past.  A past that has almost destroyed me as a man and my family."

"She's not her past and you can't keep punishing her for it, and you can't keep her from her future."

"That's not what I'm doing."  

Beth continues to listen to them,  absorbing what they're saying.  It was after what Jon said that made a light go on in Beth's head, so she asks, "Are you trying to keep me from leaving again?"  Her eyes are locked on his.  She can see the brightness fade in his eyes.   Did she just expose him for what he was doing?  "Are you afraid that I'll run off and try to get rid of my past, deal with the demons I have?"

Jon answers her honestly, "I don't think so.  I'm trying to keep you safe."

"From who?"  Dr Fishman questions, continually taking notes.  "Who are you keeping her safe from?  Herself?  Outside sources?"

"I don't know.  I just don't want my wife to hurt ever again, like she has before."

Quite frankly Dr Fishman tells Jon, "No one could have saved her from that.   You both were hurt by that Jon, do you feel Beth is in protection mode for you?"

"I've never been the target.  And I could have protected her from that.  Extra security.  I could have vetted Melissa, I could have done so much more than I did."

"I could have too."  Beth slams her fist on the couch cushion, "I could have done more."

There's a moment of silence.  Jon and Beth keep their eyes fixed on Dr. Fishman.  When he starts to talk again he looks to Beth.  "You had two babies die in uertro and one was taken from you from an unstable woman.  You were raped and physically assaulted," he looks to Jon.  "Have either of you dealt with that?  Any of that?"

"Yeah."  Jon replies.

Beth looks at Jon.  Her eyes are burning so bad from the tears that are welling in her eyes.  She mumbles, "yeah, kind of."

Another silence.  This one makes Jon and Beth a little uncomfortable.  Dr Fishman knows what he's doing.  He's bringing up the worst things they've been through and now he's making them think about it.  In a room together.